When It's Finally Over

You would think this blog post would be about a relationship. You would be right. Sort of. It’s not about the ending of a romantic relationship. It’s more so about the closing of one of life’s chapters that seemed to never feel quite finished.

I graduated college long ago. So long ago in fact that I can’t remember who I was during that time. What I do remember is the feelings of deep fear, insecurity and never quite fitting in. I always felt like eventually I would get it right. I would end up with the people I was meant to be friends with. I would have that idealized college experience. I would be the person who knew not only how to survive but also thrive in college.

As it turns out, I never became that person. When I think back on my four years and the period of my early twenties, I see a woman who was desperately searching for something to make her herself. I turned to people, places and things in an effort to figure out who I was supposed to be. Each time I tried something knew I would have an immense sense of anxiety that it would only be a matter of months before it all came crumbling down. Each time it did, whether it was a large or small transition, I would go back to my college campus.

It sounds odd doesn’t it? Go back to the place where you struggled the most to find out who you want to be? But I wasn’t going back to find out who I wanted to become. I was going back to try and pick up the pieces of myself I had left behind in the chaos. Because for every moment I fit in, there were hundreds of moments I negated my own instinct. There were hundreds if not thousands of times I ignored my own gut. I stopped trusting myself and all the pieces of me tied to who I am at my very core got thrown away and discarded. They were replaced with fabrications of myself that I continued to struggle with in my present.

Today when I went back to my campus I didn’t feel that desperate, urgent searching feeling. In fact, I was almost not going to go at all but something in me said see what happens. The moment I approached my school I felt it. It was a sense of completion. There was not a single piece of me left on that campus that I didn’t already have within me now. More importantly, I didn’t need to go backwards to reclaim those pieces. I worked on them in my present until they fulfilled me once again.

In the previous times I had gone back it was always a different feeling. Over the years, I’ve experienced grief, sadness, excitement, anticipation, satisfaction and validation. But I’ve never experienced the sensation of closure.

It's a beautiful thing when you return to a place and realize it no longer serves you and you no longer hold it in your heart. It means not only that you’ve outgrown it. But you’ve left none of yourself behind. To recognize that you have finally (finally!) put yourself back together again after years of trying is a magical experience. I consider myself very lucky to have had it.

If you’re someone who keeps trying to go backwards or you return to a place (or person) that you’ve long outgrown ask yourself what piece of you you’ve left behind. Think of yourself in that original time and place and evaluate your present. See how you can bring that piece of you back to life with the resources you currently have.